Back in February of this year, I wrote a post about what not to say to someone who is suffering with infertility called, I’m Going to Suggest you Bottle that up! This post is written in that same vein, but as advice of things to not say to your friends who are suffering with infertility or are adopting about kids. A lot of this might seem like common sense but sadly it is not common enough.
First know that your friend is hurting and frustrated about how long they have been trying to conceive and/or how long the adoption process is taking. They pray for children every day. They know that having kids is not all sweet-smelling heads and baby kisses but also lots of work, frustration and lack of sleep. So try your best to not say some of these things… although your friend does understand that you need a break from your children sometime.
“You think you are tired… wait until you have a baby. You won’t get any sleep.”
“Get used to being interrupted all the time because kids don’t care what your plans were.”
“At least you don’t have to give birth.”
“I used to be in shape before I had kids. I wish I had my body back.”
“Must be nice to have time to do __________. I barely have time to sleep.”
“You might change your mind about kids if you had mine.”
“Enjoy traveling now because you won’t be able to do that once you have kids.”
“I wish I had as much time as you do.”
I have had people tell me most of these things. I know they just want one moment of peace and quiet in their lives because kids are non-stop. There is no vacation from being a parent. But none of the statements above have ever made me feel better about my infertility or the adoption process. Most of the time they dig in like a knife reminding me yet again that I have no child to love. I know people don’t think and I don’t hold it against them, but it doesn’t make it feel better.
Do you have some lines you would add to this list? I am sure given a couple of days I could come up with some more. Please share your suggestions for what not to say in the comments.