A Letter to my Childless Self

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Dear Childless Esther,

The other day I thought of you. I took a deep breath and remembered the pain and depression. Back then it was a constant, it was who you were. It felt like a cold stabbing pain.

I don’t think you were aware of how much you were hurting because you were too busy trying to get by and distract yourself. You filled your days with other people’s children. You set your time to good use for sure. The times with Adriana, Charlotte, Daniel and Nolan were all filled with love. But they did not fill up that hole in you. If anything they dug it deeper and wider until it consumed you. I want you to know it is filled in now with a love you could never comprehend.

Infertility took you on a journey that was filled with pain but has ended in joy. It changed you. It made you better. It made you more empathetic and kind. You were once one to always speak your opinion first, to be more cold than feeling. Now you cry more, you laugh a little less, but you love more openly.

Childless Esther you could never have known how the road to your children would teach you about suffering and God’s faithfulness. You have learned how loss can dramatically change someone’s personality in a moment. But I want to let you know the destination was worth the journey. Your children are your delight and your heart is healing after all this time.

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