I’m not going to lie. The past 2 weeks haven’t been easy.
The expectant mom delivered her baby and decided not to place him for adoption and is choosing to parent him.
When I was first told this news I felt like I was being suffocated. It took me at least 2 days to get over that feeling. My husband came home from work and took the rest of the week off. We prayed and we know that God has a plan for our family.
We are grieving this child who we had hoped to bring home. We are grieving the loss of holding him in our arms and loving him. However I’m not angry with the expectant mother. He is her son. No matter the situation in life it is her right to choose to parent him. We knew this going into the adoption process and it is the risk we are willing to take. It is a hard risk to live through though.
Tonight I was thinking about what someone said to me that I was a strong person to be speaking in such a loving way about the mother of the baby. I really don’t feel like it has anything to do with me but all to do with God. I remembered how God commands us in Romans 12:9 to “Let your love be without hypocrisy” To me this means I love her no matter whether she placed her baby with me or not. I have often said that I feel that God led us to adoption to support birth moms. How supportive would I be if I didn’t respect her decision and held anger in my heart against her. While there isn’t much more I can do for her at this point, I can pray for her. I will continue to do it as often as I think of her.
We spent the rest of last week doing things together as a family. I also took down the baby’s name off the wall, put away the co-sleeper and returned some baby items that I had purchased. We attempted to explain to Mac that we are not having a new baby now but he is 3 and doesn’t really understand. I am sure he is glad to have extra attention from mom and dad. He was definitely excited that Daddy didn’t go back to work for a week. He will slowly understand that the baby isn’t coming home.
We went to the beach for a couple of days to get out of the house and just have fun. Despite Mac’s 6am wake ups we had a fun time. We spent a whole day at the beach on Saturday and the Lord really brought me a lot of peace. As we were walking back to the car, I had Mac on my back in his carrier and I realized that while there is a hole right now in my heart for what I thought would be, God has given me more one on one time with my boy. We have many fun adventures together and this summer we will take full advantage of that.
When we headed home and came back to reality I knew it wouldn’t be easy. I watch friends have babies who I thought I would be sharing this time with them as a mother to an infant again. I will have playdates and have to explain that yes your friend has a new baby but no you do not to Mac. These things will bring sadness. But God is with us.
So our journey of adoption will continue. We will have more financial hurdles to cross but nothing is impossible with God. He will bring us to our child and will fulfill His purpose in us.
Psalm 27:13 I remain confident of this: I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord.