The Fear

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     Most women do not know the fear of infertility. They might worry about it before they have kids, but until you are diagnosed it isn’t the hope crushing, kick you in the stomach, suck all the air out of your lungs fear. When you know the fear you never want anyone else to feel that way ever. You hurt with others that have it too. The pain is real and makes it hard to move. Until we realized that we were meant for adoption, I lived with that fear every day. The fear that you will never be a mother. The fear that you will always have your opinions cast aside because you don’t really know what it’s like to raise a child. The fear that no matter how hard you pray and hope you will never be the person announcing you are pregnant.

It is hard to deal with the pain that the fear comes with, especially when you hear of others getting pregnant. The pain makes it hard to show that you are happy for them. Because truly I always was happy for others. I was happy that they didn’t have to live with the fear and this unbearable pain. I struggled against it and constantly asked God to help me to find joy in every circumstance.

The song Cry Out to Jesus by Third Day helped me a lot. The chorus spoke to me like nothing else I had heard :

 There is hope for the helpless, Rest for the weary, Love for the broken heart, There is grace and forgiveness, Mercy and healing, He’ll meet you wherever you are ,Cry out to Jesus, Cry out to Jesus.

I felt hopeless, weary, and broken-hearted. I know there are others that feel the same way that I did. They wonder why this has happened to them. Why didn’t God give them children? I can’t answer that question for everyone. Now more than ever I believe that His answer for me was because He had the plan of adoption for us. The reason I know this, is because ever since we decided to adopt and took steps to do it the fear and the pain are gone. I know this is what I was made for. I thought I was only meant to be a mother but I have been called to something even more than that. I have been called to love a child who I don’t know. I will have the responsibility to love and care for them as their mother and to tell them how much their birth mother loves them too. That she chose for them to have us as their parents. It is a responsibility we don’t take lightly.

If you are suffering with infertility, I cannot tell you what God’s plan is for you but I know that He has one. He can heal the broken heart and drive the fear away. If you need prayer or want to talk please email me. One of the worst things about infertility is feeling like you are alone. You aren’t. I am praying for you and that God will bring healing to all those suffering with this pain.

One Response to "The Fear"
  1. Lydia says:

    I know this fear and pain well. So glad that you have a peace now and so excited for your journey with adoption. I pray I find that peace too some day.

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